after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
