I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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