Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
