3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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