i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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