Umm I'm too high to move.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
