I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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