We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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