I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
