You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
