My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
