Your mouth is God's brothel.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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