Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
