I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
