she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Randomize
