As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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