YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
