I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
