11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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