By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
