I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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