there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
