i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
