I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
