i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dicks are not precious.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I had to cum in my sink.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
