what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize