I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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