I hate your face
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
