A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
