You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
