dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
