I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
