I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
