Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
