I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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