I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You pole danced in your parka.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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