im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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