Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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