The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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