I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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