I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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