Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
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