Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
