Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize