planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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