I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
