She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
