Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
wanna go halves on a baby?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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