Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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