Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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