I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
