apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
