I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
