so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize