Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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