I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
