my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
