I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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