Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
