My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I enjoy the company of your penis
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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