Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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