mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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